The beauty of new life...

PJ and I belonged to the United Methodist Church for about a year before we got married.  We got to know many people at church events and always looked forward to Sundays there.  The service consisted of several "modern" Christian songs, readings from Scripture, preaching from our pastor (who was a woman in her mid 30s) and the Lord's Supper (at every service).  The Methodist's statements on morals also fit mine.  They were open to homosexual relationships, fine with women's choice (be it abortion or birth control) and always had missions to help the poor.  I had no plans on leaving and felt quite comfortable there.  Little did I know, God wanted me elsewhere.  The only area in which I had a more "Catholic" view, which I had not had up to this point, was being open to life in a marriage.  I believed at the time, that if we were not open to life, we shouldn't get married.

I've spent a ridiculous amount of money on these things...

Hey, at least we no longer use rabbits.

Two months after our wedding, I found out I was pregnant.  We were so overjoyed and excited.  We waited a week (until it was confirmed by a doctor) and had to tell everyone.  Unfortunately, two weeks later I woke in my bed to feel an odd presence come over me.  It rushed over my body and then I felt it leave.  I felt empty all of a sudden, like I lost something spiritual.  I knew exactly what happened.  My baby had just passed.  The next day, I started to miscarry.  It was quite painful and lasted over a week.  Fortunately, I didn't need any medical interventions.  I was upset, but not discouraged.  I had been told it took several years to my mother to conceive, so I assumed that maybe the same would happen to me.

Two months later, I found myself pregnant again.  This time we waited for an ultrasound and confirmed a viable heartbeat before we told anyone.  I wasn't too nervous about the pregnancy and I felt pretty good physically.  I had a few scary moments with severe cramping, but after going in to have everything checked out I was assured the baby was fine.  I was teaching and coaching full time, and was able to keep up with everything I did quite well.

A few weeks into my pregnancy I started to find an emptiness in going to church.  I wasn't sure if pregnancy was making me emotional, but I started to cry during the Lord's Supper every Sunday.  I really started feeling an intense urge to go to a Catholic Church, but I felt like I couldn't.  I didn't know what to do.  I knew that I was still considered married to my ex husband in the eyes of the Church.  What about my father, who passed away a year before?  Would I be dishonoring him?  I felt so lost and even angry at myself for not being happy where we were.  I wondered if PJ would be upset.    When we started going to church together, PJ was pretty turned off by organized religion and getting him to go to the Methodist Church was something he had done out of love for me.

I was about 20 weeks pregnant when I told PJ that I needed to call the Catholic Church.  I wanted to sit down with a priest and discuss things.  He assured me that he was fine with that, but he had no intention of becoming Catholic, but if it was something I needed to consider, he'd support me.  I called up the local Catholic Parish and set up a time to meet with a priest.  I was extremely nervous, but I had no doubt in my mind that this was something I had to do.  God was leading me there.  If I kept going to the Methodist church, I felt like I would be ignoring what God was asking me to do.

I entered the Parish office, which was inside of a trailer.  The church itself was a double wide trailer next to the office, but the altar was done beautifully inside..  It had been a mission, but grew quickly.  They were in the beginning phases of collecting money for a larger, permanent church.  I sat with the one of the priests (there was two at this parish) in the office, who was maybe 10 years older than myself, who was from Nigeria.  He asked me why I was there.  I explained that I needed to come back, but I didn't know why.  That there were so many teachings of the Church that I didn't agree with, or understand.  I started to cry.  The priest was very comforting and started to ask me questions.  He guided me through my concerns, explained that I needed to get an annulment and that I was welcome at Mass, but could not receive Holy Communion.  He asked if we'd attend an RCIA class, that was just beginning to be held one night a week.  I left not as confused as I came in, but I was afraid.  I knew that PJ may never step foot in that church.  Is it worth it?  Will my kids grow up going to the Catholic Mass with their mother, but not their father?

Not only did I have new human life within, but new life brought by the Holy Spirit.  Once I opened myself up, the Spirit took completely over me.  Even the largest doubts I had about things started to become insignificant in the larger scope of things in my heart.

I asked PJ if he'd attend a class with me.  I told him that I would like to baptize the baby Catholic, who we now knew was a boy and my due date was on the exact date in which my father had died (talk about loosing life and bringing forth new- this just overwhelmed me).  He said that he'd never convert, but he'd like to know more about what I was getting into.  I told him I'd go to every class with him if he went, since there were a lot of things I wanted to learn as well.  I started the annulment process.  It was VERY difficult to  put together, and I had to relive through everything all over again.  It's an emotional process, but it was good to hear a priest say that it seemed obvious based on my story that the annulment should go through.

PJ demonstrated immediately that had great Bible knowledge.  During class discussion, which included about 6 other couples, PJ was always ready with an answer to many of the questions on Scripture.  We went to Mass together, and even though I couldn't receive Him I always felt revived after being in that Holy place.

There were so many times at Mass during this time that emotion just overwhelmed me.  I could feel His presence and I just had to thank God that he brought me back.  The Mass was so beautiful and I had to give it the respect and adoration it deserved.  I just knew that I needed to submit myself.  I was also so sorry for the choices that I had made.  There were many things I didn't understand, but I said to God, "I know this is THE Church.  I know this is what YOU intended.  I will do whatever you ask and accept what you teach, but please give me the wisdom to understand.  I still don't understand everything, please teach me.  I will never, ever leave you again."

Our priest saying Holy Mass at our Parish in AZ

A month before my due date, we went to RCIA.  This was the class where the catechumens had to determine if they were converting on Easter Vigil.  I didn't ask him how he was feeling, but I was interested to see how he'd handle staying, "no" to the priest.  While in class, the priest asked who was continuing with their journey and everyone put their hand up.  I was very surprised.   He came to this class FOR ME, but he wouldn't just convert if he didn't have to (which he didn't).  I knew he was doing it because he truly believed.  We both started to become quite excited about our journey.  PJ started becoming very interested in the Catholic faith and wanted to learn as much as he could.  He was impressed by the beauty of the Mass and the traditional Church architecture.

Our first son was born and three weeks later Phil became Catholic.  The Vigil was overwhelming for me.  It was such an amazing time in our lives.  There was still a little worry in the back of my mind.... my annulment.  My husband is now in communion with the Church, but I am not.  It would be another difficult 6 months before I'd hear anything back from the tribunal.  Not being able to receive Holy Communion during this entire time was so hard, but it was a way in which God worked in me to bring about reverence, adoration and gratefulness toward the Blessed Sacrament.

Once I was confirmed and we had our convalidation, we went into full force to live out the faith in our daily lives.  Changing the way we lived out lives wasn't always easy, but it always drew us closer to God.

Psalm 51: Miserere

Have mercy on me, God, in your kindness. In your compassion blot out my offense. O wash me more and more from my guilt and cleanse me from my sin. My offenses truly I know them; my sin is always before me. Against you, you alone, have I sinned; what is evil in your sight I have done. That you may be justified when you give sentence and be without reproach when you judge. O see, in guilt was I born, a sinner was I conceived. Indeed you love truth in the heart; then in the secret of my heart teach me wisdom. a purify me, then I shall be clean; O wash me, I shall be whiter than snow. Make me hear rejoicing and gladness, that the bones you have crushed may revive. From my sins turn away your face and blot out all my guilt. A pure heart create for me, O God, put a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me away from your presence, nor deprive me of your holy spirit. Give me again the joy of your help; with a spirit of fervor sustain me, that I may teach transgressors your ways and sinners may return to you. O rescue me, God, my helper, and my tongue shall ring out your goodness. O Lord, open my lips and my mouth shall declare your praise. For in sacrifice you take no delight, burnt offering from me you would refuse; my sacrifice, a contrite spirit. A humbled, contrite heart you will not spurn. In your goodness, show favor to Zion: rebuild the walls of Jerusalem. Then you will be pleased with lawful sacrifice, holocausts offered on your altar

JMJ+