Growing up with a gay dad...

I am giving my account of my relationship with my father, who was openly gay.  I am not speaking of all gay men, nor am I exaggerating or making up stories about my experience.  I have to start with this, because I know many get defensive when talking about homosexuality.  I used to be one of them.

In college I would proudly declare how I had a gay father, who "came out" when I was a toddler (my parents divorced when I was 2).  I would explain how I was a normal, straight, educated young woman who lived part time with my father throughout my life, and his lifestyle had absolutely no affect on me whatsoever.  I went to some of the gay bars with my dad to see his friends.   I'd bring my own friends, some of which had never been to a gay bar and maybe wouldn't have gone without me.  Once it was apparent that homosexuality was becoming more 'acceptable' in society, it made me feel good.  It wiped out all of those public condemnations I heard directed toward gay people, which I immediately took offense to because of the relationship with my father.  Now that I look back, I can see that I was hiding a lot of emotional damage under a false image of being, "enlightened".

I never told anyone about all of the counseling I went through as a child.  Or the heart ache and confusion I endured.  It wasn't due to what "others" had to say about it.  It really wasn't that at all.  I heard my mother bad mouth my father when I was growing up, and it wasn't just about him being gay (even though his multiple partners over the years was criticized), but how he had "left us", or how selfish he was.  No one in his family spoke ill of him. Even when my dad would bring boyfriends around to family holidays or get-togethers, my devout Catholic grandparents never said anything negative (in front of me anyway).  Neither did his brothers.  I was taught in Catholic school that marriage is for a man and woman, who create children together.  My teachers knew of my dad, but never mentioned it, or treated me any differently.  So, looking at any kind of outside criticism of my dad's lifestyle, I would have to say that from what I saw, the criticism was very minimal.

Even though I primarily lived with my mother, I was always closer to my father.  He had an amazing personality, and always gave me lots of attention when I was with him (which was every other weekend as a kid, and 3 different times where I lived with him full time for 6 months or more).   He had several boyfriends when I was a child and I always got along well with them.  They were very nice men, who were very respectful toward me. I really don't think I understood my father's relationships until I was about 8 years old.  Before then, I saw them like good friends who slept in bed together, but I was confused when they'd embrace or kiss (which really wasn't frequent).  I understood that men and women did these things, but it was done because they had a natural drive to procreate.  I started asking my mother questions at a young age that she couldn't answer.  Things like, "Why does daddy have a boyfriend like you, mommy?"  Or, "What do I call daddy's boyfriend (as in 'dad')?"  I don't remember what my counselor told me, but I remember being less confused.  I never remember anything negative being said about homosexuality in all of my counseling as a child.

I remember thinking many times that I was fortunate to have a father who will never have any more children.  I didn't want to "share" my dad with siblings, since I was an only child and pretty accustomed to it.  I was, however, grateful to know both of my parents.  My mother was engaged for awhile when I was 7 years old, and I was not willing to have a "new" dad.  My parents divorced when I was very young, yet it was not something I ever "got used to".  It was very damaging and hurtful to live through. I knew my parents disliked each other, but I remember thinking as a child, "Well, they should have thought about that before they got married".  Having parents live apart was not easy, but trying to understand my dad's lifestyle as I got older was just as difficult.

There were several times in my life that my dad was single.  I did live with him at one time while he was single for about 6 months, and I have to say, that this was probably one of the happiest times in my father's life. During this time, we traveled together, he stopped going out so much, he worked out at the gym, ate healthy and seemed at peace.  I found out later (in my 20s) that this is when he found out he was HIV+.

Once I was a teenager, my dad started to become more open about his life.  As a child, I saw a lot of the superficial aspects of his relationships.  I'm not speaking for all gay men, but I will say that my father, as well as many of his friends (if not all) knew how to portray a very modest version of what their lifestyle was.  On the outside was the appearance of two men who "loved" each other.  They went to family events together, lived together (of course) and acted like a "couple" (yes, imitated a real heterosexual couple, by taking on male/female roles-my father was the feminine role in all his relationships).   My dad started to explain to me how they had other "friends" as well, and how they were so tolerant and loving that they allowed their "boyfriend" to have other "boyfriends" too.  They also explained how it was alright to "try new things", including drugs, as long as you knew where it came from.  The image I once had of my father started to tarnish, but I still loved him so much that I needed to make sense of it all.  I started to look at the adults around me.  My mother had many boyfriends and never remarried, and I had other family that divorced.  For some reason, that stuff didn't bother me as much.  Instead of staying away from what my dad was doing, I decided to embrace it, as to better understand it.

In my late teens I finally saw what my dad was really doing.  At the time, he was so immersed in the lifestyle that he no longer tried to hide anything.  I lived with him again when I was a senior in high school and when I'd get up to go to school in the morning, he and his boyfriend would just be getting home from partying all night.  My dad worked 2nd shift, so he'd sleep for awhile when he got home.  I never understood why he chose to do all this.  He had a great job, a boyfriend, a nice house and a daughter who really loved him.  Why did he need to be doing any kind of drugs?  Why did he need to go out drinking all night?  Why did they need to go pick up other men?  They brought home a kid my age once, that creeped me out.   That's when I decided to move out on my own.

Once I was in college, my dad went downhill quickly.  Every time I was visiting, someone was coming over to pick "something" up (I prayed it was only marijuana).  My dad looked horrible.  He was sickly thin, his face was emaciated.  He never called me, I called him after I had not heard from him in months.  I was really worried about him.  One time I had to go pick him up from a party on the lake, about an hour away from me.  When I picked him up, I realized it was this huge resort out in the middle of no where.  He showed me the flier for it.  It was a huge  party for gay men (there were hundreds there).  They had lots of alcohol, a DJ, pool/spa, motel rooms, and a big barn.  If you haven't seen or heard of these parties, I can summarize them as "disturbing".  I'm sorry, love the sinner, hate the sin, but I don't know how I sucked it up and seemed generally interested in knowing what went on there (even though deep down I was sickened).  A friend of my father, who spoke to me poolside while I waited for my dad to gather his things, explained it (I'm very happy my dad wasn't the one who filled me in).

The resort was full of gay men, who knowingly come to these week long parties to do a lot of drugs, drink a lot of alcohol and have sex (many publicly)  with each other.  I'm not exaggerating.  There were a lot of men there.  A lot of rooms.  I wanted to get out of there.  At this time I knew my dad had HIV as well, yet he still knowingly participated in this stuff.  If you are brave, look up, "barn parties".  It's absolutely disturbing.  Yes, they are adults and can make choices, but many of these men, who knowingly have HIV and other STDs put others at risk.  There are also married straight men who come to these.  So, it affects many, many people.  There are many of these places all over.  I know it's big in Australia (my dad has been there) and Miami, FL.

My father became very ill when I was in my early 20s and was hospitalized.  At this time I realized my dad had another man living with him (as well as his boyfriend he had for 5 years).  It was obvious that my dad's boyfriend was with this man, and they've moved on, since my dad was now so sick.  I went to visit him frequently, and after a couple of weeks, he recovered enough to go home.  He started driving to Chicago to get new HIV medications, which made him even sicker.  He was too tired from the medications to work anymore, and had to retire.  He was only in his early 50s, yet he had the body of a 90 year old man.  I felt so helpless, yet could do nothing.  He wanted to continue living with his boyfriend (and his boyfriend).  I moved to Arizona the next year.

After a few months of living in AZ, I told my father I was getting a divorce (after being married 4 years).  He came out to see me.  He took a shower at my home and the tub was disgusting after.  I don't think he had showered in awhile.  He was unaware of what was going on around him.  I honestly was surprised he made it to see me (since he had a 3 hour flight).   I let him rest; he was used to staying up all night and sleeping all day.  We went out to eat a few times.  It was so sad.  This was no longer my dad.  He was dead already.  There was no turning back.  His lifestyle had destroyed him and creating a living hell on Earth for him.  He never complained, but you could tell he was suffering (and had been for some time, but this was worse).  When he'd call his boyfriend, they'd be having a party at his house.  I felt bad for him.  I offered my home to him, but he couldn't stay.

I went back for Christmas to visit.  We watched TV together for awhile and ate some Chinese take out.  He gave me the biggest hug when I left.   That was the last time that I saw him alive.  That March I received the phone call from his boyfriend that he had passed away.  He passed out (after taking meth) in his hot tub and drowned.  In a way, I knew he was no longer suffering, which gave me some relief.

I pray for him every night.  I know he was severely depressed and lost.  I remember him telling me that he didn't believe in gay marriage, because it's a Sacrament in the Church.  Toward the end, I really think he understood the mistakes that he made.  I believe he was no longer participating in that life of destruction, but was living with the depression from the realization of what he had done.  My dad is an example of where this lifestyle leads.  The life expectancy for gay men is VERY low (look it up).

Even after his death, I still supported homosexuality.  Once I came back to the Catholic Church God opened my eyes to see it all for what it truly is.  I could now honestly look back on my childhood experience with the gay lifestyle and say how damaging it is for everyone; the gay man, his family, his friends, his society.  I'm sure there are many gay men who don't participate in the things my dad has.  I haven't met one.  I have heard more about celibate men who struggle with same sex attraction than I have of those who live in a monogamous relationship.  I still love my dad, or I wouldn't be praying for them.  I wished I would have known sooner, so I maybe I could have spoken to him lovingly about it all.

Please say a prayer for my father, and his friends who have died (who are many) from HIV, drugs, and alcohol.  As well as those still living.

My dad's ex boyfriend from when I was child is someone I keep in contact with.  He has written a book about the gay lifestyle, and has received many threats from it (he has left the country for a period of time because of it).  This group is not one to mess with.  It is very important that we keep in prayer at all times, because they will fight with no regard for others.