I recently gave birth to our 4th child, who is beautiful and healthy. That very same week that she was born, my mother in law passed away. We discovered that she had pancreatic cancer around Thanksgiving and she passed in January. Thank God she did not suffer for long, even though the pain she endured during this time was heart wrenching to witness. I'm sure my husband was under a lot of stress, but handled it wonderfully. Her visitation was the day before my scheduled c-section.
We're entering Lent and trying to prepare while adjusting to having a new member of our family (and a missing member of our extended family). I feel as though life is moving so fast, that we haven't been able to fully prepare ourselves this year.
Before the baptism of our little one, I was "Churched" for the first time. This is a traditional blessing of the mother, who is coming back to Church after giving birth. I knelt with a candle in my hand while the priest said the prayers and I felt quite emotional. During this time I was thinking to myself what an honor it was to be given another life to care for, and what a blessing it was to have such an amazing parish to belong to. What was even more wonderful is that we had about 7 family members with us (two of them protestants) who went to the Latin Mass for the first time with us prior to this. The godparents of our little one couldn't be more perfect and we were also blessed to have them there (friends of ours who live out the Faith fully).
We have been members of a parish that offers the Traditional Latin Mass for over a year and a half now. We have slowly started to get to know people and even had some wonderful teenagers from the parish babysit for us when I was in the hospital (having c section #4). We have also been attending Mass as a whole family, which we only used to do occasionally and got over the fear of having to manage a 4, 3, and almost 2 year old (plus a newborn now). I used to be very nervous about going out with very young children in public, but I am finding myself able to manage all of them quite well. Honestly, when I only had 1 child, I had extreme anxiety at times about going out in public with him. God has worked on this with me, since obviously I am much more comfortable than I used to be.
It's comforting to see other women cover their head and dress modestly at the Latin Mass (as well as the NO at our Parish). I'm not sure of how long it has been (maybe a year or so) that I started dressing more modestly, but I continue to do so. Maxi skirts and modest tops are taking over my wardrobe and I recently donated most of my jeans (had to keep a couple.. not sure why). I think about it less over time, where as before I was a little self conscious about what others thought (the same happened when I started veiling at Mass 3 years ago). I struggled with the idea of keeping warm in the winter while wearing a skirt, but I have since found warm, knee high socks and and a good pair of boots. I remember talking to God, telling Him that I felt like he was asking me to wear skirts, but I am always cold. That day I decided to wear a skirt and I was extremely hot! God really has a sense of humor. Since then, I've worn skirts everyday, not just at Mass (like I originally had done).
Right now I feel like I am being attacked spiritually. Even though I know it's not the case, I feel like I am apathetic when it comes to prayer. I know I'm really tired from the day to day work with the kids, but every time I'm at Mass, praying the rosary, doing daily prayers, I find myself very distracted or anxious about everything and anything. I know I live for and do all things for God, but I'm not sure how to break this habit. I may just be coming more aware of these bad habits, so I know I need to pray about it. I'm probably just tired and overwhelmed. I know this will pass eventually.
